Towards my dawn
How worse fate can be than this?
How crueler anything can ever be than this?
How colder a night can be than this?
Lying on this ice cold Street
Feeling the sharpness of gravel against my cheek
With wind mercilessly hitting every scratches in my body
Hearing myself gasp in this quiet november night
Seeing the shreds of my favourite pink dress besides me…
FEAR is just a word!
Do you know what is fear?
Fear is making yourself as small as possible
Hoping eventually you will disappear.
Fear is swallowing your own cry
Hoping that animal won’t return and prey upon you again.
Do you know what is fear?
Fear is this cold and dark night.
I don’t know for how long
I’ve been lying here without moving a limb.
Tears keep flowing and flowing.
As I watched the starry sky,
Dostoevsky’s words rushed into my mind.
“Could ill-humoured and capricious people
Live under such a sky?”.
“Capricious”, I said watching the sky.
Helplessly I played everything in my mind
Again and again…
That animal smiled at me earlier in the evening.
Yes! A smile!
An act that marked humanity!
An act that showed love!
Poor me!
I have to blame myself for forgetting
That capricious people live under this sky!
I have to blame myself for searching
Any trace of humanity in that animal’s eyes !
Poor me!
I have to blame myself for believing
That the human who smiled at me earlier
Existed somewhere within that loveless animal!
I have to blame myself for hoping
I could wake that human up
If i cried my heart out and begged for its mercy!
Poor me!
I have to blame myself for laying
All my pride and dignity down that road
As i held its legs making a plea!
As that animal held me against the wall
I looked into those dark and soulless eyes.
I knew then;
There was no way out.
It was not just my body that it devoured!
It devoured my pride, my courage, my love!
It devoured everything that was mine.
It devoured the girl that i built up for 21 years!
Every inch of my skin
that it licked and bit burned!
Every inch of my skin
That it touched turned filthy!
I wished that the nature would take mercy on me
And would down pour
To wash away all the filth it filled me with!
To wash away all its scent from me!
To wash away its every trace from me!
Can a smile turn into a deathly stare?
“Capricious!”, I couldn’t stop mumbling.
I stared at the road ahead.
Where does this road lead to?
Can this road take me back to the girl
Who had a boy she loved;
Who loved watching him play;
Who hid her trembling hands at his nearness;
Who blushed when he accidentally touched her;
Who glowed whenever she was with him.
Can this road take me back to the girl
Who believed in love and happiness;
Who had the courage to trust people;
Who loved to dress up in pink;
Who admired herself in front of the mirror;
Whose cheeks turned red, just by watching people kiss in the movies.
Can this road really take me back to that girl;
That girl I was, this evening?
I steadied myself and stood up!
No matter –
How heavier my steps are;
How many small steps i take;
How many times i fall;
How much I wet down this road with my tears ;
How much pain I feel;
How big the hatred is;
I have to cross this road!
I saw my chunky block heels lying across the street.
I took it and wore it!
As the click of my heels pierced the quiet night I started walking towards my dawn!
